13 Comments

Two of my dearest, closest friends have vastly more disposable money than I have (like what to me is 10K is $100 to one friend, and maybe a penny to the other). We’ve fallen into a rhythm that I think is good with everyone, where we all contribute but according to where we are in that tier. We don’t get a chance to see each other together that often, so when we do it’s usually an event. So while person one might cover massages and tip for everyone, person two would cover our lunch at a really nice restaurant, and I’d cover tip and offer to pick up coffee or pastries or whatever as well. And while the price of that tip and pastries might seem insignificant percentage-wise, they understand that it’s actually something that impacts my budget, which isn’t the case for either of them. Of course they could pick up my share too, but it feels better this way and I put aside disposable income for these treasured occasions.

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This is a great way to split! I agree, it’s not a great feeling if they’re covering everything, so it’s nice to figure out a way to cover some things at a more proportional split

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Having honest discussions about not only where they are financially but also what they value says more about what they will spend. For example my best friend and I travel the world together. He makes a good salary and I do well too, but we value very different things. I love nice hotels and flying first class, he would never spend the money on that. We both love unique experiences and while we like good food, we both are more “food is fuel” people and spending $400 on dinner is something we would never do because we just don’t care about food that much. But spend $400 to have an interview with a Giesha In Kyoto? Every day and twice on Sunday. So what we did on a recent trip to Key West is he paid of for the food and I paid for the hotel and experiences. If the experience was a considered purchase we split it. Or on one trip we agreed to each have 2 chips. He got two downgrade chips meaning he could use the chip to have a more budget focused experience and I had two upgrade chips to upgrade the experience. And you could not cancel each other’s chip. I think knowing what your friends value is just as important as to what they can afford. We justify spending based on what we value. Good topic Maria!

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I love that idea of chips--that's a great way to compromise when on a trip! I agree, it's a combination of what you can afford and what you value

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SUCH a good topic. I’ve had friends charge me more than others (because of the income gap) without telling me, which was pretty upsetting when I found out. To your point, it was a decision made without full context. Yes, I made more, but I had also paid for college by myself, had just spent a lot on moving across the country, etc.

These days, I think everyone should pay the same but the cost of activities and dinners should range — and there should be ZERO penalty for opting out.

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That’s crazy that they charged more without telling you!! Obviously it’s nice if someone in the group makes more money and wants to treat some event or dinner, but it’s not ok to expect that! Totally agree about zero penalty for opting out too

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i really like treating my friends (and also being treated), and if i want to do something that i know is too much $ for a close friend, i'll let them know when i'm suggesting the plan that it's on me. most of my friends are also pretty open about our financial situations so we know where we're all at

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I love the upfront offer! It makes everything easier and less stressful. Also, sometimes people will feel self conscious about saying no because the money, and will make up another excuse, so saying that from the start helps a lot with that!

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I think we should all normalise being able to say this cost more than I would pay. Even with girlfriends who make the same or more than me, we regularly have this convo. Eg I wanted to do a $200 flower arrangement class for my birthday and my two best friends said thanks but no thanks since they didn’t like flowers as much. 😝 We really need to be able to have honest conversations!

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Agreed! I didn’t mention this in my post, but birthdays are often my exception, where I’ll spend more on something I’m less interested in because it’s someone’s birthday. not $200 worth, but I’ll definitely say yes to some things I wouldn’t otherwise on a typical day

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In my defence I turned 40 so it was a real splurge but still ok for folks to say no! 😝

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I agree that there should be no expectation to pay more if you make more. I think if you are a generous person and likewise keep generous friends around you, the resources of the collective will naturally flow to keep everyone sustained. I was really intrigued by the mention of lifestyle creep — I feel like I only ever hear people in New York talk about it! Maybe that’s just my blinders as a lifelong midwesterner, but that never seems as prevalent an issue in other cities

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I agree, I hear it more here than with my friends living in the Midwest! I think it’s more common here because there’s so much opportunity to spend more (especially on conveniences—you can get anything delivered here same day) and because rent is so crazy expensive

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