Jealousy, Jealousy
How to stop comparing yourself to others, from someone who struggles with it too
LinkedIn has a new feature where it shows you any of your connections’ new jobs and work anniversaries. The top posts on Instagram are of engagements, often with one photo in the lineup showing a large (and presumably expensive) diamond ring. If there hasn’t been a recent engagement, the top photo might be from a lavish vacation on a beach somewhere a plane away. And just in case I was starting to feel content with my time in a 5k race, literal Olympians, the fastest runners of all time, have been on TV every day for the past two weeks to prove that my race time is not, in fact, very fast.
The first time I remember vividly, strongly feeling jealousy was the summer after I’d graduated college. I know I felt jealousy long before that, many other times, but that was in fleeting moments—jealous that that girl got to go to formal with the guy I liked, jealous that my friend was vacationing in Europe, jealous that some of my friends went through their teenage years without acne.
But that summer after college, I had a burning, aching jealousy that I thought of the moment I woke up and thought about as I fell asleep.
By the beginning of my senior year of college, many of my friends had moved to New York City. I’d traveled a bit and considered the other options of where I could live, but then I resolved that I would do the same—move to New York. I told everyone who would listen to me that this was my plan.
I didn’t have an easy path to moving to New York. I studied a major that wasn’t very practical to use in New York City, and I went to school 1,500 miles away from New York with a practically non-existent alumni network in the area. Eventually, the job I landed at first was not in New York City—it was 40 miles away in the suburbs. Worse, I found the job monotonous.
I found myself jealous of every person I saw walking the streets of New York City back to their apartments and any friends and friends of friends who were already living there. I was jealous especially of people who found themselves in my dream apartment and with their dream job! But really, it didn’t matter if they were complaining about their job, how expensive their rent was, or anything else—it didn’t matter what other problems (likely bigger than mine) they were dealing with. I didn’t care, because I was still jealous.
In retrospect, I had so many things to be grateful for during that time, from basic things like a roof over my head to other things like a job at all, a loving family, and friends. There were so many things I might have enjoyed more if I didn’t spend so much time sulking and fixating on my jealousy. And yes, I’ve found myself in the same cycle time and time again over the years since.
Jealousy from comparison is such a human emotion, present in every genre of media: Harry Potter when Cedric Diggory took his crush, Cho Chang, to the Yule Ball; Jenny Humphrey when Blair Waldorf and the other girls at school wore clothes she couldn’t afford, and the women on The Bachelor when the lead picks another woman for a one-on-one date.
It’s easy to get into the comparison rut specifically when it comes to finances. As sick as it is, we often feel satisfied when the armor cracks of someone we’re envious of. When the partner seen as perfect is revealed to be cheating, or the person who seems like they can do it all effortlessly messes something up. “Okay, I don’t have that much to be jealous of.”
But with finances, that typically happens when it’s revealed someone lost their wealth. Yes, things are rough all over, but it’s easier to deal with a messy breakup, grief, or a health diagnosis when you have the finances to order food delivery, buy flowers, or buy medicine. It’s easier to deal with these things when you don’t have to stress over how to afford to move out of the apartment you share with your now-broken up partner, a flight home to attend a funeral, or ubers to and from a doctor’s office.
And yes, everyone handles things differently, and I’m not here to argue any of that. We all feel jealousy, and we all compare ourselves to others, no matter our tax bracket, and no matter how valid the comparison really is. You can say “jealousy is the thief of joy” 1,000 times over to yourself, but that usually doesn’t work for me. Here’s a few concrete things I’ve done to get over these feelings:
Compare my situation to myself instead (from the past) instead of others and think about how far I’ve come.
This one usually makes me feel accomplished. When I think about dreams I had years ago, and realize I’ve accomplished many of them, I usually feel better.
Feel gratitude for what I have, even if it’s not everything I want.
Sometimes I make a list of things I’m grateful for, and sometimes I think about them while I go for a walk. Sometimes I’ll even say them out loud. This keeps me grounded. My sister recently told me one of her tips for feeling gratitude is to write notes of gratitude to those we love, which both helps you feel grateful for those people and strengthens your bond with those people.
Talk to people who were in a similar place as me years ago, and now are where I want to be.
Okay, this is a fine line between unattainable inspiration and talking to someone that’s reassuring, but when I’m feeling insecure about something because I’m comparing myself to people who are doing better, it feels so good to hear from someone who was in my shoes three years ago and now is exactly where I want to be. It makes me feel like it’s really possible to get there, without it being from a comparison angle where I don’t know the whole story and just feel bad that I’m not there yet.
Focus on being happy for the person you’re comparing yourself to.
Rather than focusing on comparing myself to that person, I try to focus on being happy for the person who’s achieved something I hope to achieve. This is a feeling that may be easier with close family or friends, but is possible with anyone. Remind yourself that there’s room for all of us to achieve that same success.
Next time you feel a pang of jealousy, try one of these. And if none of these work, try to give yourself grace and turn off the noise.
There’s only so many times you can think about how grateful you are and how far you’ve come. Sometimes, you still feel jealousy, and can’t help but compare yourself to others when you’re bombarded with reality. That’s why, sometimes, I just let myself be a little sad about everything, but try to turn off the noise—lock my phone, delete social media, tell my friends “hey, I just don’t want to talk about (insert that topic) right now.” A little bit of separation and time, which can’t be bought by thoughts and feelings, can sometimes be the best cure.
I post weekly with personal finance & lifestyle tips, plus the Making it in NYC series and my monthly resets. Subscribe so you don’t miss it!
Want to be featured in a future Making it in NYC edition? Submit the form here or send me a DM on Substack.
Yes to all of this. I remember vividly a couple of years ago, scrolling LinkedIn and seeing a former coworker sharing news of an incredible promotion and title. Like you said, it's certainly not the first time I've felt jealousy, but it was the first time I felt jealous and hopeless, like it can never happen for me. Comparison really is the thief of joy.
I used to be so jealous of others, too! I hit peak jealousy a few years ago when I saw people I knew who were younger than me announcing their new senior positions in global companies. Now I've realised that is not my path so I am simply happy for them and happy with my current, more modest, life. I loved the way you structured this week's post, it has a great flow!